All posts in Chimps Entries

Another great year being married to the most amazing woman in the world.

Dear Valve,

Thank you for Left 4 Dead 2.

Love,
Greg

Left 4 Dead 2 at E3

So far, I’m digging anything involving people getting hurt and, of course, chimps.

$14.99 can buy a lot these days. I could get a decent steak dinner at the Outback. 20 redbulls can be had for that price. It could buy the newest Kelly Clarkson album and a pack of gum. You could get one sleeve of a Lacoste shirt. Or landscaping for three hours. All of which would have been more enjoyable than my order of Valley Schwag.
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I make a lot of stupid purchases. When I was 14, I bought a remote control build-yer-own wooden boat. I spent weeks working on it and only finished the hull. At 15, it was Christian music and t-shirts. My most shameful was at 17, when I purchased Nads and then couldn’t “bare” the pain and had to buy Epil Stop to finish the job. Last year, I bought a hiking backpack and the domain names notonmyspace.com and imnotonmyspace.com. Most recently, I’ve purchased Diesel Jeans in the wrong size and dinner for my blind date.

Every one of those purchases seemed like a good idea at the time (excluding the jeans and date). Now, with the power of the Internet, I’ve increased the frequency of my bad purchases with 1-click shopping. And so goes what I’m sure will be my newest waste of money:

Valley Schwag

Thanks to Jason for the link. If all goes as planned, I’ll be documenting the sweet “free” Valley Schwag I get each month.

Diary Entry #2243AX-5
Friday, November 26, 2004

5:10am | My Bed | Consciousness: 20% | Attitude: Highly Unstimulated and Angry
My alarm went off, blaring a mix of El Soundtrack de Humbertos and Today’s Hottest Rap & Hip Hop because I’ve managed to position my dial halfway between both stations.

It took me a moment to figure out why my alarm was going off before the sun was on. “Black Friday,” I finally concluded. “In a mere 50 minutes people will be pouring through the Comp Usa doors trying to jack my Geforce 6800, $100 savings TWO DAYS ONLY.”

I grabbed the shopping clothes I set out the night before. Yes, I picked my clothes out the night before mostly because at 5:10 I can barely urinate into the toilet, let alone find the toilet and discern it from the bathtub or my hat, let alone put on strategy clothes. I slapped on low-profile clothes: jeans, gray shirt, jacket, cap, and my Pumas (I figured I needed these for their phenomenal traction, handling and ass-kicking abilities in case anyone got out of control and grabbed the last 6800).
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Our nation is divided right now. A chaos of choice looms among the people and tempers are rising. Name-calling and screaming… Of all places, I walk into a Circle K, and what used to be a whisper is now yelling for a decision to be made. Everyone has made the choice or must choose now. I think by now you know what I’m talking about.
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My Grandpa is mostly deaf. From his account, his hearing loss was the result of homemade fireworks and potato grenades. As long as I can remember, he’s had bad hearing. He couldn’t hear an elephant fart if it sat down on his head. Well, at least the right side of his head. He cranks the TV up to 29 and cups his hand to his good ear so he can hear. He says hearing aides are too expensive. But I think he’s too proud to, as he puts it, “put a huge piece of plastic in my ear.” If that is truly the case, there is nothing to be proud of when every conversation involves raised voices and “What now?” Sometimes he just gives up talking to people; I haven’t had a regular conversation with him in a few years. Let me rephrase that: a regular conversation where I get to say something.
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