All posts in Chimps Entries

For those of you who don?t know, I’m on sabbatical this week in Armpit, Michigan. Sure, it’s green, it’s gorgeous, they don’t have scorpions lining up to climb into the trap door of my briefs. But on the other hand?
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I’m using this new toothpaste called “Simply White.” Crest has created toothpaste technology to whiten your teeth in 14 days. Don’t be fooled by the competitor’s strap-on tooth caddies, Crest Simply White squeezes out two colors of teeth whitening jelly, one blue and one white. Word on the street is that the strap-on caddy tastes like camel meat and makes your teeth feel slimy afterwards. Don’t get me wrong… the strip system is effective. Heck, Steve used it and it took off at least 14 years of coffee stains, magic marker, and tar from his teeth. Or at least it bleached the stains, and that’s the problem I have with the strip system. I have the deepest confidence that Crest “Simply White” scrubs those stains away and doesn’t park a couch over the wine stain, if you pardon my analogy.
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So one time, when I was 12, I was playing in the backyard with my younger cousin in my uncle’s plumbing supplies. I picked up a large hose, put it to my nose, and declared, “I’m an elephant, look at my trunk.” I swung my head around, stomped my feet, and made trumpet-esque jungle noises.

“Dude, that’s an old RV sewage hose,” my cousin said.

“Yeah, I know,” I replied, dropping the hose to the ground. “Hey, I’m gonna go inside real quick. I’ll be right back.”

Our bathroom light is broken. If it was the light bulb, I think I could change it by myself. But I’m sure the problem lies somewhere in the switch mechanism. It’s limp and jiggly. I even screwed the cover off the light switch. It’s still jiggly without the cover on.

We have a landlord and while he fixes all the stuff we break and even the stuff that isn’t broken, it’s intimidating to contact him. Every time we do it, he sends the same Johnny Fixit. And whenever he shows up, I’m the guy that answers the door. “So you’re the meathead who breaks stuff. I could be watching the 5th Wheel right now.” For a few moments, he gathers his thoughts wondering how I managed to dismantle/smash something, even though I’ve only broken one thing at our house. The last time we called him out it was to fix the “leaky toilet” which ended up being an open shower curtain. Yet again, the second time he came to fix the toilet leak it was the shower curtain. This was not my fault. I know he blames me though.
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The dark alleyway was bulging with the blight of the city. Trashcans overflowed with the detritus of civilization. The pale glow of the moon filtered down through the rusted metal of slightly sagging fire escapes. Brick building surfaces that constituted the walls of this urban prison sweated the city?s stench. Not even cats would venture here in search of a meal. It was certainly no place for a young boy.

Billy was trying to get home from school. Doe-eyed innocence prevented him from seeing the mortal danger he was in. Blindly and gaily, he pranced, backpack bouncing endearingly behind him, hoping that this alleyway would funnel him home where a cool glass of milk and a sticky rice-crispy treat waited to greet him. He was moving along at a good clip when he hit something solid that knocked him back onto a rotten banana peel.

“Hold it right there, kid,” rasped a frightening voice.
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I’m a recent convert to the world of diet soda. Either I’ve acquired the taste or aspartame has numbed my taste buds to the point of uselessness (my taste buds recently filed for disability). Any way you slice it, I’m a lover of the diet soda, especially Diet Dr. Pepper.

My love of Diet Dr. Pepper is so great that I’ve given it a playful nickname. In a move that would make Snoop Dogg set down his doobage and exclaim, “DAMN!? I began referring to the Pepper as “Docta Pizzle.” Fo sheezy, Docta Pizzle is definitely off the heezy and up in this hizzle.
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Dangit Sonath! (this might not be PG)

Hello beloved Chimpsahoy readers! I’m sure you have all been able to see that I’ve been conspicuously absent from the Chimpsahoy annals lately. I could make up a multitude of excuses, but mostly I’ve been locked in a brig for the last four months undergoing scourging at the hands of filthy pirates. Yes. Anyway, I escaped and now I have to do stuff like pay back taxes and water my azaleas. To fill in for me while I catch up on my unkempt life, I’ve called in my old friend Carl. He’s a dirty old man, but an experienced man, having been around the block a few hundred times, front ways and back. I thought that Chimpsahoy would be a good place for him to share his musings and un-wisdom with a host of generally young and naive readers. Without further ado…Carl:
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I’d like to share some of my greatest memories of 2003 (expect more highlights later this week, including Halloween).

January | Las Vegas, Nevada
In all honesty, Sonath didn’t take the stogie when tempted. I imagine his curiosity was peaked, and with a $4 price tag and the possibility of lung cancer, I can understand his decision. But I don’t regret my purchase. I lounged in the city streets of the New York, New York and time slowed down. Mike, Sonath and I shared a moment, two-thirds of us pulling back on cancer sticks. A group of female clubbers passed by. Across a plastic street my eye caught theirs, and a cloud of smoke rolled out of my mouth. It was a moment between strangers that couldn’t be bought.

Yes, it was exactly like that. I think I winked and some thumpin’ bass line started playing.
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I don’t know how you classify this “thing” I have, but I think it’s like a mini-crush or something. Not the ultimate, obsession crush, but what I might categorize as trivial infatuation. I have these feelings for a girl at school, and life can be rough at times seeing as how she is only in one of my classes, and she doesn’t talk to me much. Well, actually she doesn’t talk to me at all. So really, I’m just a creepy guy who likes a complete stranger.

Last week, however, the stars aligned. She sat one seat away from me. I was all nervous and giddy… ok, I’ll be a little more honest, I better upgrade this crush from trivial infatuation to good vibrations (I will release a love scale one of these days). I listened into her conversation with a friend. Not so much because I am a stalker, maybe a mild stalker, but I only listened because I had nothing better to do:
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