All posts in Chimps Entries

I hope the other chumps on this site write about their Halloween experience.

Halloween is an American tradition, but it’s never been one for me, until last year that is. 2002 was the first year I celebrated it in my own way with glucose gluttony, carving a self-portrait into a pumpkin, and dressing up as Luigi (complete with a vinyl mustache and a Sharpie-colored painters cap). But 2003? Can I top dressing as the 2nd best thing Japan has given us (besides Bruce Lee, Al Roker and Mr. Yoshida)?
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For the record, when the phrase “smoother than James Dean on a Slip ‘n Slide” takes the world by storm, you heard it first here on Chimps Ahoy.

Have you ever sat around eating carrots when suddenly you got to the point where there were too many carrots going in and some of the partially chewed carrots got lodged in your throat? There was some kind of logjam effect and you couldn’t seem to get all the carrots you had put in since the log jam to go down. Panic set in and you wished you hadn’t been eating baby carrots because if you had been eating regular carrots, you could have used a really long one as a sort of broom handle to plunge the carrot mass down your throat. Since you were eating baby carrots, all you could do was sit there and “blorp,” thinking about how to make sure you told everyone important that you loved them and how to make sure all your possessions got properly distributed after your demise. Then the carrot jam righted itself and slipped effortlessly down your esophagus and all was right with the world again. You sat there, thinking about what just happened, and then, like a mindless chimp, you went back to work, forgetting all that you just learned about carrots and mortality.

I have.

As I mentioned before, I am an ESL instructor for these Hispanic guys, and we always have good times. Last night was no exception. While they still tease me over the whole “pequeno incident, yesterday they had a few doggone crazy moments themselves.

The teacher in the class was holding up flash cards of people doing various things, and then the students would respond with “He is doing ______” or “We are doing _____” etc, etc. She held up a girl doing Pilates or some exercise, and then a guy at my table yells out, “She es dooeng, uh, she is doing her exorcist.”

Later on in the flash cards, our teacher holds up one of a guy in a kilt with knee high socks and one leg in the air. I didn’t have a clue what she was trying to teach, and I started laughing because it was so ridiculous. Everyone looked confused in the class. She then blurted out, “Dancing, he is dancing…see?” And then the teacher started to dance.

Another flash card had a Hispanic fellow on it, and she asked, “Where is he from?” The always-eager Alberto yells “MEXICAN!” with a passion one rarely hears races called out.
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Welcome to the first Chimpsahoy.com “Point – Counterpoint” Argument.

Snoopy Sucks

Peanuts has suckered too many people in. Seriously, the comic is so crappy, but everyone’s like, “It’s an American treasure”, and we like it because we are dumb nostalgic commercial fools who sell out to “cute” crap. You are the people that keep bands like Hanson, Nsync, and Backstreet Boys going because they are “cute.” If I see C. Brown miss a football or Lucy sell her advice for a nickel one more time, I’m not slowing down next time I see Woodstock flying at the windshield of my Mazda… big yellow feathers exploding and bird carcass rolling off my window in a massive fireworks display of pleasure. I will keep his beak on my key chain. Jump on the “Cathy”, “Fred Basset” and 98 Degrees train you suckers, but I’m not taking it anymore.

/End Counterpoint and Rant and Excuse My Sarcasm.

Snoopy Doesn’t Suck

Since I was young, I’ve been in love with Snoopy and all the Peanuts characters. I would read the comics and watch all the t.v. specials. Even now I love to watch all of that and I have a nice stash of memorabilia. I still have the plush Snoopy I got when I was 2 years old (he’s missing a nose and I’ve had to sew his arm and leg back on a couple times, but hey, he’s adorable and he’s mine). Those comics are timeless classics, they’re so endearing and full of heart. How can you not love Charlie Brown? Come on, there’s a piece of him in all of us. He may always lose at baseball and he can’t fly a kite to save his life but he’s got spirit, he never gives up. He’s a hopeless romantic, always longing for the affections of the Little Red Haired Girl. And Linus, I always had a crush on Linus, the intellectual in love with his blanket, always ready with a solution. There are so many lovable characters. But I somehow am alone in my love for Peanuts.
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With each passing day, I become more painfully aware of an ongoing battle. The battle, unlike most epic struggles, is between two people I know very well. Evil Morning Steve and Vengeful Normal Steve. Evil Morning Steve is devious in his ploys. Some mornings he will play horrible tricks on Normal Steve by shutting off his alarm without telling him so that he’s late for class. Occasionally he’ll betray precious Steve secrets by talking in his sleep. He even says ridiculous things to people on the phone. A conversation one morning between Jessica, Steve’s fianc鬠and Evil Morning Steve:
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Last Thursday, I started working with an ESL program (English as a Second Language), and I had the opportunity to teach some very patient Hispanic men. I spent most of the evening learning everything I forgot from high school and teaching the guys important English words. I taught Faustino how to pronounce “brush your teeth”, Tino learned how to respond to “Are you married?” and Marcos finally understood that his gold chain is “bling bling.”

However, prior to breaking the ice and social barriers I was a bit intimidated. It’s nerve-wracking when you sit down at a table and say, “What up homies, are you ready to roll up in this hizouse? Dog, you keepin’ it real! Fa shizzle!” and you get nothing but blank stares. I was overwhelmed that I couldn’t communicate, so I was ready to do anything. Even if it meant blowing off the dust on that old Espanol 1&2 knowledge from my freshman year in 1996. In the beginning, they asked me if I knew Spanish, and while I did take two years of it, I couldn’t figure out how to say, “I suck at the only language you know.” So I mustered a few Spanish words together and in an attempt to say, “I know very little”, I managed to say, “Yo soy muy peque񯮢 Roughly translated, “I am very small.” This is a very difficult thing to correct. In retrospect, “No es pequeno en el pantalones, mis homies” would have been a perfect solution.

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being condescended to? I go to a major university…heck, I’ve even made it to my senior year with nary a mishap. Sure, I’m not a biology major or master of brain science. I am merely an education major, but still, it’s gotta be harder than getting into a bar before puberty (which even the most modest of simpletons seems capable of in this college town). Long story short, I can generally manage to wipe myself and make it out of the house without anything showing that shouldn’t be. Why do I need a class that endeavors to teach me the intricacies of Powerpoint?
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