Living with four other people creates awkward pooping situations. That shouldn’t be surprising; undoubtedly cavemen dispersed miles apart to pass their digested mammoth ribs and from there hence, people have desired to make waste far from others. People also prefer to poop away from where they live and work. This is why there are not toilets in the middle of living rooms (even though that would be the greatest thing ever for single people). But I digress?
Last night I had a grave dilemma. There are two bathrooms in our house. One is in the bedroom I share with Greg and Sonath. The other belongs to the other two roommates, Ryan and Dave. Now I was brewing a real sea bass in my lower intestine and here’s where the quandary manifested itself: either I could poo in my bathroom where two people were sleeping, for crying out loud, or I could expel in the bathroom belonging to two very awake people who might need to brush their teeth soon. Of course everyone knows that in a roommate situation, it is good etiquette not to take enormous, Taco Bell dumps in another person’s bathroom (it’s where they brush their teeth for crying out loud!).
I of course opted to relieve myself in my bathroom, braving a chronically restless Greg (Sonath could probably sleep through two poops). Attempting stealth, I tiptoed into the room and didn’t turn on the bathroom light until the door was shut (always a little scary because of childhood memories of Bloody Mary). Without turning on the fan, I dropped trou and began my task. It was so boring! I hope this concept isn’t completely foreign to most people, but I need something to do on the can. Whether it be the latest issue of PC Gamer, Guns and Ammo (kidding), or an engaging work of fiction, reading material is essential?something to divert the mind from an unsavory task. I didn’t even have the soothing hum of the ventilation fan. All I had to entertain myself were the tepid descriptions of texture results on the back of Greg’s hair products. Time passed slowly. At one point, the pads on the shoddy toilet seat slipped off to the side of the bowl and created a loud bang as the seat slammed into the porcelain. I let out a stunted “Eep!” I would have crapped my pants if I wasn’t, well…
Lessons learned: I need to either dig a pit latrine in the back yard or subscribe to Field and Stream. Thank you.
Always classy, always chimps ahoy.
I learned that you should keep your toothbrush in a seperate room, because germs can spread across a room easily, and the toilet and where you put your tooth brush are close together, but if you won’t move your brush, I also learned on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, that you should put your toothbrush head, in anti-bacterial mouthwash, before you brush.
Also, I have to totally agree with you Steve, reading materials on the toilet is a must! I don’t know how many times, I have been stuck reading the contents of a hair spray or smelly good can.
Nick, after you go, it’s never a smelly good can.
this happens too often on christmas day.
I actually disagree with Steve about avoiding a poo where you work. I find nothing beats cristening a freshly cleaned bathroom and getting paid for it.
And this is why I love Steve. He has enough common courtesy to poop in his own bathroom when it’s not particularly convenient or pleasant, which is more than probably be said for 95% of the population. Thanks, bud. (I’m sure Dave thanks you too.)
Hey Steve, I myself have never been a real big fan of reading while on the pot. I simply get in get the job done and get out. As you call it boring, I find that pooping can actually be quite enjoyable. When you just have to crap so bad right when you hit the seat and the flood gates open and all hell breaks loose there is no other feeling like it. Besides if you actually stumble upon some good reading and finish pooping a bit early there are too many decisions to make (keep trying to squeeze a couple more while I finish this article, set down the magazine and finish up next time, etc……)
Personally, I tend to stay in the bathroom until I finish whatever I’m reading. Usually it’s no problem, just a short article or what have you, but sometimes it can be a little daunting, like the time I read War and Peace in one “sitting.” Boy were my legs numb!
I notice this is the first post where no girls have chosen to comment. I know that deep down they feel the same, but maybe they’re just to shy to say so.
Girls totally poop all the time!
hey now aaron, what do you mean no girls have commented, didnt i see jim on here? its cos girls dont poop, where have you been? if i talk about my “#2″ habits then all mystery about me is completely lost. its acceptable for guys to talk about this stuff but if a chick is into it, then its like she loses her hot-sexy-feminine quality. is that a huge misconception? or maybe guys think its hot. wacky! but since none of that applies to me…..i’m with jim on the whole “reading in the can” issue. Seriously who sits on there so long they need a magazine or book? i could see reading the label on my pants or something but not a magazine! what if you’re all into an article and by the time you finish reading, you realize you’ve got dried poo on your bum and your lungs are spazzin out from the intense stench. just get in, drop the bomb and get the heck out. and a little word of advice to steves rommies: dont ever try to cover up the smell with some fruity/flowery junk cos steve will totally rip you for it in front of the girl you like. hehehe.
Oh look at me! I’m a girl (or Jim)! I’m all high and mighty because I don’t read on the crapper! Yeah, like your $#!t doesn’t stink (or take 20 minutes to come out).
steve maybe you should eat more salad, or try some Metamucil.
Hey, it’s hard to pass whole watermelons.
Hmmm, I’m with Shannon with the whole poop-mystique when you’re a grrrl.
But here’s a literary quote for Steve (that I somehow remembered reading in a Philosophy class, waaaay back): Denis Diderot, Rameau’s Nephew:
“… in a declaration that the final meaning, the only real joys in life, are physical intake of food and drink, the pleasures of the bed and a good daily evacuation of the bowels.”
Now you can sound all educated when talking about taking a dump.
Hey, I read on the can too. Not (usually) because of irregularity problems, just because it seems like wasted time if I don’t.
For the record, I too have a hard time conceptualizing girls pooping. It’s just so counterintuitive. I’m sure that when I’m married someday, I’ll have to face up to a lot of unpleasant girl facts, but until then, I’m determined to stay ignorant.