I fancy myself a man who has progressed beyond the Cro-Magnon stage of evolution. I like to think that when presented with a situation where fisticuffs seem inevitable, I use my razor-sharp Oscar Wilde-esque wit to save me from doom (in actuality, the best I can muster is an incapacitating poop joke, but it’s getting there).
Despite my occasional love for Bruce Lee movies and passionate affair with violent video games, I’m slightly embarrassed by violence. I have a friend who would just as soon flip you over his shoulder while in line for a movie than say hello…it shames me. Nothing elicits more spite from me than resorting to physical violence when you’ve been “had” in a war of words. Don’t get me wrong; I’m no more the good guy than anyone else. My rampant and often inappropriate tongue get me in more trouble than any amount of brawling could. Case in point today:
I was verbally provoking Brad, I admit it. Brad, upon reaching the breaking point, chased me into the kitchen (I barely two steps ahead of him, wailing like a banshee…or ten-year-old girl). I opened the door of the fridge and hid behind it as he began punching me repeatedly in the arm. I think now is the time to mention that I was holding a banana. Yes, the fruit. I couldn’t really think of anything to save myself from the wrath of Brad so I thought I would catch him off guard with the most wildly absurd maneuver known to man. I shoved the banana into his face.
This caused Brad, the raging beast that he was, to stop and ponder. I theorize what went through his mind:
<-Brad's Mind->
RAGE
RAGE
RAGE
(banana)
What was that? That was completely ridiculous. Who smashes fruit into someone’s face? What trickery does Steve have planned after this unlikely assault? Could he be hoping to entice me to ponder the absurdity of physical violence as a solution? Perhaps the banana in the face represents all the folly of man. Wait…maybe while I’m thinking about these philosophical issues, he’ll be stealthily sneaking away or stealthily finding a big stick to break over my head. This angers me!
RAGE
RAGE
<-/Brad's Mind->
Brad continued to hit me and I was forced to smash the remainder of my banana into his eyeglasses. This seemed to satisfy the beast and the situation was brought to a close.
Then I ate the rest of my banana.
I was thinking more along the lines of “What the heck is he doing? Shoving a banana in my face? If he’s going to hit me with it at least shove it in my mouth as I’m possibly yelling at you.” Then the second banana strike came: “My glasses! I can’t see!”
Nice tactics Steve i like that move. Hey where can i find your videos? I was roomates with your bro Eli and he had one but i wanna see the new ones.
Yeah, Sean, I think you have the wrong dude. I’ve never in my life met anyone named Eli. Sorry…but feel free to stick around.
Very strange usage of a banna but hey if it works who can deny it.
I can’t help bu think of the old Monty Python sketch where John Cleese is teaching people how to defend themselves against attacker armed with fruit. “COME AT ME WITH A RASBERRY!!!!” Hopefully Brad hasn’t seen that one, because in the end, John Cleese pulls out a gun and shoots the attacker.
If violence is going to be a common theme at the apartment, I hope pineapples are on sale at Safeway.
I have seen that one! I love John Cleese! Next time someone pulls a fruit force attack on me i’m just going to pull that sword off the wall next to me…
ya Brad but don’t poke your eye out in the proces it wouldn’t be to good. lol
can’t be much worse than a banana! Thank goodness i had my safety goggles (glasses) on.
Yeah,
Steve I think you need to have a talk with Jeremy as he has developed that ohh so nasty habit of resorting to physical violence after (I admit) quite a verbal seige from me. It is tragic that someone like myself should have to be faced with the plight of falling victim to some crazed wild eyed and very large brother like him (sniff sniff) I cannot do anything about this abhorrent practice as my words only anger him and he indulges in this barbaric thrust of various body parts onto my ohh so fragile frame. Ohh what shall I do?
Victim of Domestic Violence
Where are you guy’s from??
Arizona mainly
No, Brad…we just came from New York, New York.
Regina is a nice city you guy’s ever been there??
violence is very therapeutic. steve i suggest actually using your fist next time. perhaps start with his nose, remove his glasses kindly, then continue to pummel his face. or if all else fails, kick him in the twig and berries, that will really mess the little one up. or you could talk to saul and ask him for his drug dealin bat. that would end all matters. you could also sink brad this saturday in the boat race, rig the boat to explode, and they will be picking up the pieces for days… what was i saying? ahhh, peace freinds
Aha, as obsessive compulsive as I am, I downloaded the Monty Python sketch. Lo and behold, it was a banana! Watch your back Steve.