The Blog

I hope the other chumps on this site write about their Halloween experience.

Halloween is an American tradition, but it’s never been one for me, until last year that is. 2002 was the first year I celebrated it in my own way with glucose gluttony, carving a self-portrait into a pumpkin, and dressing up as Luigi (complete with a vinyl mustache and a Sharpie-colored painters cap). But 2003? Can I top dressing as the 2nd best thing Japan has given us (besides Bruce Lee, Al Roker and Mr. Yoshida)?

This year I capitalized on a slight resemblance to Orlando Bloom and went as Legolas from Lord of the Rings. Frankly, Legolas has been my favorite from the Lord of the Rings series (see Two Towers: sliding down the stairs on a shield), plus many women want his body, so what better than to capitalize on the fantasies of many girls for one evening? While I can’t get a date on my own merits, I figure I can hitchhike on the lust wagon of another man’s career and see what it’s like for a night. Yes, I know, it’s not right. I have no shame; please refer to me as pig/jerk/capt. fabulous behind my back because nothing I do is ever shameless. I stopped trying a long time ago.

I started planning the costume with all intentions to go Betsy Ross all up on it, buy fabric and sew it, but in the end, I realized two things: the analogy of Betsy Ross doesn’t work here, and the only thing I’ve ever sown is the crotch of my pants and a button onto my slacks. And both sewing endeavors haven’t stood up to any of the extreme activities I daily participate in, up to and including: putting the pants on, Pilates, and sometimes Math tests. Therefore, to sew an entire Legolas costume didn’t seem feasible. So on a whim and a Visa, I purchased an ultra-realistic Legolas costume. I scored a long braided wig from a local costume shop that went down to my waist. I also found a bow and arrow kit complete with racial stereotypes of Native Americans and suction cup arrows. Price of costume: $45. Price of wig: $23. Price of bow: $3. Selling your soul to have random women want to slather you in motor oil and slide you down the stairs on a shield: $71.