Once I had a rat named Kitty. I named her Kitty because, well, isn’t it just HILARIOUSLY ironic to name a rat Kitty? Seriously… Well, Kitty was a good pet for about five minutes. Then she crapped on my shirt. The crap wasn’t bad enough so she peed on the crap. After that, I was a little apprehensive about taking Kitty out to play. Sometimes Kitty got to smelling pretty bad and I’d give her little baths in the sink with Greg’s coconut Suave shampoo. I still remember the traumatizing sensation of her darling little claws rending flesh from bone…the wails of the innocent (me) could be heard for hours.
Kitty died in the custody of a friend over the summer. I’m sure he did a good job taking care of her, but the good die young, right? I justified Kitty’s plagued existence by the fact that, well, a snake could have eaten her. What’s worse: living a life of solitary rest and dying in a pile of your own pellet-shaped waste or sliding down the pulsating, lubricated gullet of a boa constrictor and being slowly digested by acid (all the while managing to take the snake’s owner’s attention off his level 34 druid warrior with +2 to dexterity and axe mauling). Ok, so I didn’t treat Kitty right.
That’s why I feel like I have some amends to make. Thus, I bought another rat, christened him Kitty 2, and embarked on another pet adventure.
Kitty 2 has so far proved to be a much better pet than his predecessor. He doesn’t eat, pee, poop, or make me feel guilty. There are a couple drawbacks. I’m pretty sure Kitty 2 is at best mischievous and at worst criminally insane. While he adores me and squeaks gleefully when I lovingly squeeze his sides, he seems less fond of the roommates. He often glares hatefully at Ryan and he has actually murdered Dave in cold blood. I promised him I wouldn’t say anything, but it has to stop. Here’s a picture…please tell someone…
PLEASE HELP ME! HE WON’T LET ME LEAVE! I HAVE TO GO…he’s coming…
Yes, Kitty was a good rat. I took good care of her for you Steve, until she got sick and I had to put her away for ya. Sorry man…I know how rough you took it..you were wailing away for hours after I told you the news. Well not really, you have still yet to visit her grave. I still here her ghost squeak at night, waiting for you to return to her. Kitty will haunt you for the rest of your life!
Sometimes I think I hear Kitty behind me, breathing. Then I realize it’s just Sonath sniffing the back of my neck again.
The Real Story of Kittys death went something like this…..I went over to Nicks one night and we got kind of board so as we were sitting puzzling over random things Nick asks “Do you think rats swim”? I being the sensible one said I’m not totally sure but I don’t think such an experiment should be conducted with Steves rat. He insisted that if it started to sink we would merely save it. So he dropped that little sucker into his pool and we watched it struggle and for some strange reason we both got a sick sense of joy watching it struggle helplessly for it’s life. Before we knew it, it was done for. Sorry steve may it rest in peace.
Once Jim had a puppy. He tried the same experient. Little Scooter was so cute…
Damn it Jim, you weren’t suppose to ever tell him, we made a pact man!
I lied. I ate Little Scooter
don’t lie steve, i ate little scooter
“Damn it, Jim! I’m a doctor, not a rat lover!”
Careful Greg….guys who smell like coconut make me hot….Brad don’t you even try it!
i will bring ice cubes.
Well now I want to since you told me I can’t
I also love men that smell like coconut.
Actually, I just love men. A lot. Sheep too.
Actually Brad, just showing up at my house smeared in cheesecake would be great.
I’m omw
yeah, that’s just creepy. Can we not talk about this…ever again?